everytime i read sean's blog (before he passed away), i thought he had quite a talent albeit morbid way of describing himself and his thoughts. and wow, how conflicted and punishing he was too. its like every inadaequacy and fault was amplified by negativity. it hurt him so much when he did not have the things he wanted. whether it was his studies, work or lack of self control. he beat himself so much over it, when most other people would resort to healthier coping mechanisms. they would cuss and throw a tantrum..they would tear other people down to feel better about themselves. maybe sean did not do that enough. either he was too considerate or too stupid to know how to.
i think success at a very basic level is being able to get through life without wanting to end your life all the time. i wish i could see you change your mindset because i honestly thought it was only a matter of time that you would pick yourself up. i was wrong. maybe your environment kept knocking you down, or maybe you were biologically destined to be depressed, whether you tried or not.
fuck sean...you didnt have to kill yourself, all you needed was a chill pill. but then again you were too insane, too sensitive, too smart, too impulsive for your own good.
i wonder how your family is coping. how does your mother feel? i wonder if you are happy with their emotional outcome, and the rest of ours. did you do it to relieve your pain or exact a revenge?
ah. what does it matter now. my world is a little quieter without you around. i miss you man.
hope wherever you are, u feel better.
